Satire: 10 Most Devastating Impacts Of Homeschooling Your Kids

[Stone]

10 Most Devastating Impacts Of Homeschooling Your Kids

June 9th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com

So-- you wanna homeschool your kid, huh? Well, it might not all be as great as you think. Read on for a list of reasons homeschooling may completely ruin your kid.


1. Homeschooling makes your children much more likely to grow up to become cisgender: Is that what you want, Mom and Dad? Another cis-normative oppressor making trans people feel unsafe?

2. If you homeschool, your child will miss out on up-to-date works of literature written by trans people of color: Do you really want them to settle for outdated works like The Bible, Shakespeare, or The Tuttle Twins?

3. Homeschool proms are really awkward: Don't make your poor kid go through that, for goodness sake.

4. Homeschooled girls will never experience the magic of sharing a locker room with a 6'4" trans woman named Larry: Don't let your kids miss out on this important life experience.

5. Homeschooled kids usually grow up to be really polite: This is not a very useful character quality for social revolutionaries.

6. If kids don't sit through 8 hours of soul-crushing zoom calls in public school, how will they ever be prepared for a soul-crushing corporate job?: Your children are destined to be good little corporate worker bees. You NEED to prepare them.

7. They will miss out on delicious school lunches: Square pizza and ultra-pasteurized skim milk from a cardboard box? Scrumptious!

8. Denim skirts cause chafing: Just inhumane.

9. They might finish their curriculum early and have more time to be radicalized on YouTube by Jordan Peterson videos: Jordan Peterson is a dangerous cult leader who may radicalize your child into making their bed. Not good!

10. Children may learn that human beings have inherent value as made in God's image: Children who learn that their dignity comes from God and not race, class, or gender identity are not very useful for revolutionary Marxist social change-- er, we mean, a meaningful movement towards greater equity.