The Catholic Family Handbook by Rev. George Kelly

[Stone]

THE CATHOLIC FAMILY HANDBOOK

CHAPTER 12: WHAT WILL YOUR CHILD DO IN LIFE?

NOT long ago, newspapers told the story of a twenty-seven-year-old man who had shot and killed his father. In prison, the man defiantly explained why he had done it. Throughout his life, he had been interested in teaching as a career. But whenever he mentioned his aspiration, his father ridiculed it and told him that he must enter the family business. After completing a college course in business administration at his father's dictation, the young man was placed at work in the family store. It was evident that he was not equipped to do the kind of sales work necessary for success in the business, but his father drove him on with ridicule. Finally, he could stand it no longer and in frustrated rage performed the deed which shocked the public everywhere.

Like most occurrences which reach print, this was an extreme case. Few men kill their fathers because of differences over their careers, and few fathers callously demand that their children pursue vocations unsuited to them. Yet this story serves the useful purpose of pointing out that parents should give intelligent and sympathetic consideration to their child's ambitions.

Another moral of the tragedy cited is, of course, that every person should decide his own course in life. A consistent objective of his training as a child, adolescent, and young adult should be to enable him ultimately to be completely free in the sense that he can make his own decisions and accept complete responsibility for them. Thus he alone should choose his life work, because its success or failure will depend upon him only. He alone has the intimate knowledge of his talents, motives and aspirations required to make a choice and to succeed in what he chooses.

But while your child must in the final analysis select this vocation by himself, you can help him to determine what his objectives should be. Indeed, as a conscientious parent, you must do so. You must take a part in formulating standards which will guide him regardless of whether his future station, in the eyes of the world, is high or low.

Your child will often ask you what you want him to be when he grows up. By your answers, you can implant ideals which will serve as his own guideposts. Moreover, you can help him recognize the importance of high objectives by your own daily conduct. A father will strongly influence his son's choice of a life work by his attitude toward his own occupation; by the respect he shows to priests, brothers, doctors, teachers and others who give of themselves to serve mankind; by his own attitudes about the monetary rewards of work and the things that money will--and will not--buy. Likewise, a mother will influence her son and daughter by the amount of cheer she radiates as she does her daily household tasks; by the way she greets the nuns at school, whether it be with deference or indifference; by her attitudes toward neighbors and acquaintances with greater or fewer material possessions than she has.

Any worthy vocation should fulfill three requirements.

1. It must help your child save his soul. At the very least, it must not, by its nature, constitute a hazard to salvation.

2. It should serve mankind in some constructive way. As an extreme example, the young man who inherited a large sum of money and decided to devote his life exclusively to his own pleasure could hardly be said to have a worthy objective. Nor could the young woman who hoped to marry and practice artificial birth control so that she could lead a social life unhampered by the responsibilities of parenthood.

3. The work should be within his capabilities. The youth who is helped to select a kind of work in which he has a reasonable chance of making progress is also more likely to achieve his first and second objectives as well.

It is worth noting carefully that this listing of basic objectives omits such goals as wealth, glory, power and similar allurements. For implicit in this listing of worthy objectives is the teaching of Jesus: "For what does it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, but suffer the loss of his own soul?" (St. Matthew 16:26) The emphasis is on true and lasting values--"treasures in heaven, where neither rust nor moth consumes, nor thieves break in and steal." (St. Matthew 6:20) The Bible teaches us that "covetousness is the root of all evil" (1 Timothy 6:10) and that it is "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.' (St. Matthew 19:24) Not only does an ambition to achieve wealth for its own sake violate Our Lord's repeated teachings; it is not even suitable as a worldly ambition. One can search in vain for the man whose riches have brought even earthly happiness; the rich who achieve the serenity of those less favored financially usually do so only by using their wealth to serve others.

When you encourage your child to keep these three objectives constantly before him, you do not limit his number of choices in any substantial way. He can achieve all of his great goals--attain salvation, perform tasks which benefit mankind, and properly use his God-given talents--in either the religious or secular life.

The religious life. If your child accepts the ideals of creative service which you have implanted, he or she will be more receptive to a call to serve as a priest, brother or sister, should such be God's will. And if the call is heard and heeded, rejoice; by Divine plan, your child has been offered the privilege, for which few humans are chosen, of devoting a life to the complete, unquestioning service of the Creator and of participating in the noblest work of mankind.

You should not try to force your children into a religious life, or to assume that a vocation exists when it actually does not. Equally, you should not try to discourage a child to whom the religious life appeals. What, then, is the proper environment to provide? It is simply a natural, Catholic home--one in which you and your children experience your faith as a vital factor in your daily lives; where you demonstrate the importance of your spiritual beliefs and show proper respect, admiration and gratitude to persons in the religious life. In such a home, a child will learn that the standards for a priest, brother or sister are high--but not so high that a normal boy or girl with a wholesome Catholic upbringing cannot, with all modesty, aspire to them.

How can one know if he or she is being called to a religious life? The answer may be found in part by considering the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual requirements for priests, brothers or sisters. A religious must be in reasonably good health, because demands of this life are often more rigorous than those of secular professions. For the priesthood, teaching brotherhood or sisterhood, the prospective candidate needs a good--but not necessarily exceptional--mentality. But even youngsters with a less gifted mentality may serve in religious orders as workers in the kitchens, in hospitals, as helpers to missionaries and in other ways.

The prospect must also have at least a normal amount of piety, along with spiritual and emotional qualities which encourage his superiors to hope that he can advance in grace in the religious life. He must have a sense of service--a willingness to sacrifice his own comforts and even his life, if need be, for others. He should be optimistic and enthusiastic--a buoyant spirit will enable him to establish great goals for his work and to triumph over the inevitable disappointments which threaten his achievement of them. He will need unusual strength of will--he must always keep his mind fixed upon his vocation and resist temptations which threaten to blind him.

The most important quality of all, however, is a voluntary desire to serve Our Lord in the religious life. It is this desire, instilled by God, and combined with the other qualities outlined above, which is evidence of a vocation. When these conditions exist in a young person, God is saying that He will have the boy or girl in His service. The young person may, by the exercise of free will, accept or reject the call.

Can Catholic parents thwart a religious vocation? This question should not need to be asked. But it must be asked, because parents who consider themselves good Catholics in other respects sometimes openly ridicule aspirations toward a religious life or even forcibly prevent their child from entering a seminary or convent.

Many reasons are given for this animosity toward a religious vocation- For instance, their child is "too young to make up his own mind." This suggestion overlooks the fact that a youngster enters a seminary, religious house or convent only to train for a religious course, and never takes final vows until he is old enough to assume full personal responsibility for his decision--usually at the age of 25 or more.

"It is not an appealing kind of life." Parents base this statement upon their own interests and preferences--not upon those of their child. Obviously, the young person finds strong appeal in a religious life, else he would not consider it. Moreover, if the life is as unappealing as the parents picture it, the child has ample opportunity to discover this for himself and withdraw from training with good grace.

"My child knows nothing about life and does not know what he would miss in a religious vocation." If this argument were valid, the person who decided to become a doctor would first be encouraged to spend several years as a sea captain or merchant mariner, visiting the ports of the world. Only then would he know what he was giving up by starting a practice which would confine him to one place. To carry the analogy even further, the girl who intended to get married should first become a nun, for the nun experiences many compensations which the wife misses.

"Once he joins a religious community he will be lost to us for life." This argument also lacks validity, because parents usually do not object to other careers in which a similar loss might ensue. For example, the young man who makes the Army his career might be transferred to overseas bases and would see his parents much less frequently than if he were a priest or brother. Since World War II, Americans have moved around at a faster rate than ever before and it is not uncommon for a young man or woman to marry and set up a home thousands of miles from where the parents live. Few parents would actively object to the marriage of a son or daughter on those grounds.

What should you do when your child expresses an interest in the religious life? In the first place be grateful that God has blessed your own family life by giving you a potential religious. Certainly the presence of a priest, brother or nun in a family is often as much a reward to parents for their efforts in God's behalf as it is due to any special qualification in the candidate himself. If your instinctive reaction to the call is one of joy and thanksgiving, you manifestly possess a healthy Christian outlook. If, on the other hand, you resent or reject the stirring of a religious vocation in the soul of your young one, you should take stock of yourself. In either case, permit him the basic privilege of making up his own mind about so vital a question. Encourage him to think about his vocation and to seek advice from priests, brothers or sisters who can discuss its rewards and difficulties most effectively and intelligently. Provide him with good spiritual reading--Catholic books, magazines and newspapers--from which he will learn about the many kinds of service a religious may perform. See to it that he consults a priest immediately. Pray that he will see God's will and follow it--and that you will accept God's will as well. If he does embark upon a religious life, always remember him in your prayers. For the religious, no less than the layman, must fight against his human nature in order to achieve his own salvation.

Marriage and the single state. Obviously, most boys and girls will not be called to a religious life. Their vocation will be to serve God and their fellow men as husband or wife or in the single state. Regardless of their state in life, they should be taught to approach it with the sense of reverence and respect that the priest, brother and nun manifest for a religious vocation.

How can you best prepare your child for the vocation of marriage?

First, by giving him the example of your own lives. As he observes you and your mate in your everyday experiences, he can readily agree that marriage is an institution in which mutual love and respect thrive, and is a means by which he may achieve earthly happiness as well as eternal salvation.

Secondly, by making it plain to your children precisely what marriage is. It should not be regarded merely as a convenient arrangement which two persons can enter without preparation. Rather, it is a lifelong sacramental contract involving serious responsibilities and producing great rewards. Children should know that a husband and wife must be prepared to procreate and educate children to take an ultimate place in the Kingdom of God.

The parent who loves his children and takes pleasure in training them in right conduct gives the best possible testimonial to marriage. On the other hand, the parent who constantly complains about his physical, financial or emotional burdens breaks down his youngster's vision of marriage as a worthy state in life.

While marriage makes a glorious vocation in which the opportunity to serve God through parenthood is second only to that of the religious life, your child would not have a true choice if he were taught that it is the only course open for a person who remains in the world. Some mothers make this mistake in teaching daughters especially, and it is a mistake to which society contributes by giving an unpleasant connotation to the term "spinster." Numerous conditions are worse than living in a single state, as any person chained to an intolerable marriage might affirm.

There are many reasons why a person might remain unmarried. For instance, he might choose to care for dependent parents. His choice should be voluntary, however; parents should never encourage a child to refrain from marriage because of their selfish interests. A man or woman may be unable to find a suitable partner; by refusing to marry simply for the sake of marriage, he or she exercises admirable prudence. Or the man or woman might be unwilling to accept the responsibilities of marriage. One who, rightly or wrongly, feels inadequate to train children, for instance, makes a wiser choice in remaining unmarried than one who marries and then practices birth control.

Ambitions for the laity. The fact that most young men and women will spend their lives in the world does not mean that they should not be fully dedicated to the ideal of serving God and man. In fact, this ideal can be brought to almost every occupation.

Our society needs teachers who will zealously help young persons achieve a sense of the true values in life. It needs writers who will uplift man and awaken him to his highest aspirations, as opposed to many who emphasize the degraded aspects of life. It needs men who will bring selfless dedication into public service and labor unions. It needs nurses, hospital workers, scientists, businessmen who place human values above those of the cash register.

One could cite almost innumerable illustrations of dedicated workers who benefit mankind in a spiritual, physical or emotional way. The laboratory researcher who puts self-interest aside to search for a cancer cure is truly a successful man, regardless of the amount on his pay check. The young woman who becomes a librarian to implant a love of good reading in young people makes far better use of her talents than if she took some other job simply because the salary was greater. The salesman who chooses to sell a product which will benefit humanity, even though his earnings are less than they would be if he sold a harmful one, brings worthy ideals to his work.

Father James Keller, M.M., director of the Christophers (18 East 48 Street, New York 17, New York) has made millions of Americans aware of the tremendous amount of good that one dedicated person can do. The Christophers aim to encourage each individual to show a personal, practical responsibility in restoring the love of Christ to the marketplace and to government, education, literature, entertainment and labor unions. They emphasize the importance of positive, constructive action and have adopted the slogan, "Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." Father Keller has encouraged countless thousands to undertake less glamorous, lower-paying jobs in order better to serve in Christ's name. "Individuals who pursue this unpopular path receive a recompense which is a foretaste of the everlasting joy of heaven," he states.

He lists nine considerations which you should strive to impress upon your children and which you yourself might apply. These are:

1. You are important. You, as a distinct human being, have been created in God's image. All of humanity is nothing more than you over and over again.

2. No substitute for you. God has assigned to you a special mission in life which He has given to no one else. No matter how small it may seem to you or others, it is important in His sight.

3. Don't cheat others. The Lord sends blessings to some people through you. If you fail to pass them on, you deprive others of what is rightfully theirs.

4. You are needed. If everyone figured "I don't count," imagine what disastrous consequences could result.

5. Spiritualize your least efforts. Begin to be a Christopher or Christ-bearer by serving others in small ways. Remember Christ said that if you do no more than give a "cup of cold water" for his sake (Matt. 10:42) you shall gain an everlasting reward.

6. Start in your home. If you develop a sense of personal responsibility in your own home, school, business and every other place, you will soon wish to reach out to wider horizons.

7. Don't bury your talent. Even if God has given you only one talent, put it to work for the good of others. Don't be like the man in the Gospel who said: "And being afraid I went and hid the talent in the earth." (Matt. 25:25)

8. For better or worse. What you do--by prayer, word and deed--to see that God's will is done "on earth as it is in heaven" affects the well- being of everyone to some degree. Yes, the world itself can be a little better because you have been in it.

9. You count as one. When tempted to play down your own individual importance, recall this old saying: "I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. What I can do, I ought to do. And what I ought to do, by the grace of God, I will do."

Even if a person is forced by economic necessity to take work which does not permit him to exercise his influence as fully as he might, he can still accomplish much in his spare time. A mother works in her parish library a few hours each week, making possible the dissemination of inspiring books and reading to her community. A man who played on his varsity football team in college spends his Saturdays coaching sixth-graders in the parish school. A bookkeeper by day runs for office as a member of a village board, because he feels that the board needs greater religious motivation in its actions. A group of parents persuade newsdealers in their town to remove from their shelves lascivious magazines and books which are a source of temptation to young people. Concerned by the complete ignoring of God in her community's public schools, a woman campaigned for a year and a half and finally succeeded in having plaques bearing the words "In God We Trust" installed in eighteen institutions. Noticing that inadequate care was provided for patients in their community hospital, a group of high school seniors became nurses' aides, bringing a touch of Christ's charity to patients who desperately needed it. Thousands of similar examples could be cited. They indicate what can be done when an individual is motivated by ideals of service, and they also suggest the sense of dedication which you can instill in your children by teaching and example.

The child who "disappoints." Probably every parent expects, or at least hopes, that his child will do great things with his life. The common statement that every American boy has a chance to be President reflects not only our democratic processes, but also the kind of aspiration in every parent's heart.

One need not look far to observe parents' "disappointments." The youngster who was going to become a lawyer instead takes a job low in prestige. The mother who hoped that her son might become a priest is disappointed when he shows no tendencies in that direction. The father who expected his son to enter his profession may discover that his son prefers an entirely different occupation.

All of these "disappointments" stem from the parent's failure to recognize that the child is an individual with a right to make up his own mind. Since he, and not you, must choose, it follows that you should not be chagrined if he selects a career which you have not anticipated for him. There is only one occasion when parents should be disappointed in a child's free choice of a vocation. That is when he adopts and pursues a career that hinders him in his struggle for salvation. In considering your child's life work, always remember the basic reason why he was born. He was created to know, love and serve God in this world and to be happy with Him in the next. Any work which enables him to achieve that objective is truly a noble vocation.